you are afraid.
It's not that you're lazy; it's that you're afraid.
You're afraid because you've accumulated disappointments and don't want to fall short.
These are the words that I heard in last week's Sermon with Pastor Steven Furtick, and man, did those words ring true. So true, it almost felt disheartening to admit.
I've been reflecting on how fear shows up in my life. It's not aggressive; it's not loud. It doesn't create anxiety. It's subtle and silent. It's the little creepy monster hiding in the shadows of the night. I can't see it or hear it. In fact, I don't even realize it's there. It's so manipulative that it makes me believe that I am in control when, in fact, I'm doing exactly what it wants me to do.
Fear numbs my creativity; it fuels laziness and procrastination. It creates the energy of stagnancy and exhaustion, and then I don't move because I'm exhausted, but I'm exhausted because I don't move.
Sometimes, I'll break through that barrier of fear, and the wheels are going, the engine won't shut off, and I can't stop doing, creating, and executing. I am high simply off the small satisfaction of my little wins.
Still, all it takes is one silent, vulnerable moment for a tiny doubt to beautifully echo in my ear, and if it catches me just right, I'm confused about what to do next. The confusion causes this silent chaos, and this chaos causes exhaustion. The exhaustion justifies the "I'll figure it out tomorrow." Before I realize it, tomorrow turns into three months later.
Fear is such an interesting motivator. I am genuinely fascinated at how much power this very silent perpetrator carries. How is it that it can have such power over people, yet it doesn't give us those feel-good, addictive-like hormones?
Why can some people harness fear as strength for motivation, but others cower down to it?
I suppose, as someone who has experienced both sides of fear, the only thing I can account for is just the sheer will to experience change. I call it "being sick of your shit." When you're sick of your shit, fear no longer controls you because you're determined to be different. Suddenly, all that focus you have on fear is turned to everything and anything that will help you push away from it.
Maybe fear is a necessary part of life. Maybe we may need to know what it is like to have fear control us so that we know what it is we don't want.
I don't know...
Maybe I will never know the answer to these questions, but what I do know is every day we get the chance to open our eyes again is another chance we have to show up and try. Try, try, and keep trying in every way because, for me, I have to hold on to the hope that my small efforts will accumulate the winning results that I am seeking.
Opmerkingen